Update #6 – October 31, 2007

Hi all!

Although I felt better on Friday, the weekend turned out to be a bust.  I was out for the count, was very tired and felt drained.  I ate because I had to and kept hydrated because it’s imperative to do so.  But I have to tell you that at times I want this done already.  I want this part of the journey done and on to the next chapter – this is old already.   The chemo and the rutuxsen are not pleasant experiences at all, and I don’t look forward to them either.  Please believe me that I know this treatment is saving my life.  However it is so intrusive and foreign.   At times I can’t stand the idea of what’s going on in my body.   Sometimes I feel as if I’ve been violated – and just want to wash and scrub it all away - from the inside out. 

Being upbeat and staying positive is something that I know how to do well and understand how important it is, has been and will continue to be especially now.   Along with that is my faith.  My faith in my awesome God who created me and formed me in my mother’s womb.  He who holds my destiny in His Hands and has my days counted.   He who holds me and comforts me day and night; who makes me laugh, sing, makes me feel joyful and full of His promises for me and my life. 

If it wasn’t for Him, I would have no hope, no laughter, no joy, no comfort and I would be very afraid – scared about my future, trying to work this out myself.  If not for my Lord I would be very much alone and lonely.  But as King David wrote in Psalm 23:  “The Lord is my Shepard; I shall not want.  He restoreth my soul; He leads me in the paths of righeousness for His name’s sake.  Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;  For you are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”  He fills me with His song, meets all my needs.  He’s got the rod – the big stick – and He’s going to keep me safe.

And though I want this finished now – God is willing to invest more time in me and have this journey of mine go on till the timing is right because of the purpose He has planned for my life.  This is one of many phases in this journey.  I have from very many personal experiences found this to be true – All journeys have phases to them.  Each phase has a destination or as some refer to as a graduation  level, with a new one waiting around the corner.  Each journey is a big exciting and wonderous adventure leading to a fuller and closer relationship with God – with a better understanidng of your purpose.   However, just when you think you’ve arrived, you’re on your way to another destination.  Some journeys are longer than others – depending on the work that must be worked on/in/out.   And many times it involves and includes many other people besides yourself.  He asks us to trust Him during this time when it’s so difficult to do so.  And though in the earthly realm I can’t see anything happening, in the spiritual realm there are  tremendous numbers of things going on towards this very thing.  I’m in preparation for breakthrough – a Suddenly! 

I guess what I’m saying is that it doesn’t change how very sick I am and feel, how serious this is, and how my body reminds me frequently, and how I can’t do the things that I was able to participate in before.  What matters and what makes the difference is that God is in the mix working behind the scenes all the time ..He makes the difference in me.   

And so, I will continue to wait, more patiently, with joy in my heart, with praise and worship on my lips, and anticipation because my God is in control and loves me and cares enough about me that He is personally handling my situation.  Wow!  I’m free then to laugh, sing, be joyful, rest and take care of the things that the Lord has given me control over (reading and acquainting myself more of His heart and character and being able to share that with others), because at any moment I expect a suddenly (What I was waiting for – the miracle – the release, the healing, the arrival, the destination!  What God was working on all this time behind the scenes – what this was all about!) 

So please all of you, I need your continued support and help in all the ways that you are able to because the road is hard, narrow, steep and sometimes painful – and though I have tremendous faith in my Lord, He has placed you all in my path and journey for a reason!  I believe part of it is to help me stay the course until I receive my Suddenly! 

Love and Blessings to you and yours,

Mildred