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Hello everyone! I’m going back to work on Monday, the 18th! I’m so excited – I’ve already delivered my release form to my employer and I’m all set and feeling so good.
This is such a rush – because mentally, emotionally and psychologically speaking, it has lifted me up to a new level of faith and joy. I’m sure that I’ll be tired, however, I’ll use my good common sense and judgement. There are times that I still need my nap in the afternoon. But I promise to pace myself!
In March I’ll be getting another bone marrow biopsy to see how well my bone marrow has responded to the chemo treatment and a cat-scan to check the status of my organs (liver, lungs, kidneys, bladder, etc) to . These are all the organs that have been affected. In any case – the toxins are leaving my body and it’s all good.
Take care everyone and may the Lord continue to bless you mightily.
Love and blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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Give Life With Your Words
by Jon Walker
Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose. (Proverbs 18:21 MSG)
You have the power to kill or give life.
Yes, you, gentle reader – a follower of Christ – are capable of murder, and so am I. We can speak death with our words, or we can speak life.
Perhaps you’ve been on the other side of the killing kind of messages: “You’re not smart enough. You’re not thin enough. You’re not fast enough. You’re not good enough. A real Christian wouldn’t think such a thing.”
In a world where people are beat up and put down, God gives you superhero power to punch through the negativity. You speak life to others when you say: “You matter to me. I like you just the way you are. You’re human, anyone could think that. Your life counts. You were created for a purpose. God loves you, and you’re incredibly valuable to him.”
Your words may be the only encouraging thing some people hear in a day, or a week, or a month. You – yes, you – can become the voice of God’s grace in the lives of others, supporting, loving, helping, and encouraging with the words that flow from your mouth. (Romans 14:19b)
In the New Testament, the word ‘encouragement’ often means “to come alongside.” We’re to come alongside one another, “building each other up,” just as the Holy Encourager comes alongside us to teach us and remind us of the way of Jesus. (John 14:26)
We become encouragers when we stop looking down and start looking up (Colossians 3:2) – the need and opportunity for encouragement is everywhere. “Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us,” (Romans 15:2a MSG) and this “will build them up.” (Romans 15:2b NLT)
So, how about it? Will you become today a consistent source of encouragement to those around you? It’s a choice on your part. You can lift a person’s spirit, change the atmosphere of your office, or lighten the burden of someone in your small group. The Bible says we should “look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out.” (1 Thessalonians 5:15b MSG)
What does this mean?
· Commit to encouragement – Make a choice to build up the people around you. Fill your conversations with phrases like: “I believe in you,” “I’m grateful for you,” “I see God using you,” “I appreciate you,” and “I’m glad you’re in my life.” The Bible says we should “encourage one another and build each other up.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV)
· Value others – An encourager works hard at bringing the best out in others. Value people by understanding they are valuable to God. He encourages you in spite of the failings in your past; he believes in you in spite of those annoying, little things you excuse in yourself but criticize in others. J (Quite honestly, this thought compels me to give grace to others.)
· Be encouraged – Encourage yourself, for “there is good news of great joy for all people, and his name is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:8-10)
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© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.
Pastor Jon Walker is a writer for www.GraceCreates.com. |
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Well, I finally finished my treatments! My 8th and final was on Monday, January 14th. I was there at 7:30am and the infusion of the Rituxan actually began at 9:00am after all the pre-meds were administered.
This time I was in a larger area (5 stations) instead of 4 like the Monday before. There were 3 chairs (these are actually leather recliners with special features) along the long wall and 2 on the shorter wall. I chose the corner station on the shorter wall which gives more room – there are no walls between the chairs – just the regular curtains they pull around you like when you go to the doctors office or the hospital to give you privacy, when and if you want it or require it. They also have a table tray like in the hospital for you to place food or snacks or whatever. I usually have had breakfast so I bring a couple bottles of water and a PB&J (peanut butter and jelly but I use strawberry preserves instead). This comes in handy mid-morning and then I eat half.
They actually provide wonderful sandwiches at lunch with drinks (juice or pop), fruits, cookies, etc., and so I either indulge in some of what they offer or eat my other half of the PB&J. Depends on the level of appetite.
This was a busy day. I started my infusion and because they have to give me so much benadryl and other drugs to help prevent any reactions from the Rituxan, it makes me sleepy and I so I nap for a bit. I still hear everything around me but I’m resting.
Again, because of the time, I was the first one there – but shortly after – it began to fill up. There is a large private room for patients that require more privacy – I had that once but it’s so isolated, I really prefer to be in the flow of things.
I’ve been very blessed by God and because of all your prayers, I have not gotten sick – I’ve only had the sniffles or the reactions of the chemo or Rituxan, but my goodness, I have not required hospitalization like so many of the other patients there. Many of them miss out on their treatments because they take risks and get sick with bronchitis, pneumonia, heart complications, fevers, gastrointestinal distress, their blood counts are very low, and countless other things, etc. I’ve heard all the horror stories – some of them are still trying to work and are worn out and become stressed out and while some succeed others barely make it. Others have small children or teens or spouses, etc., and catch stuff - some are stage 2 or 3 and others 4 like me. When you mention stage 4 (which doctors also refer to as ”advanced stage” because organs are involved), people just say, “oh, I’m so sorry!” and they look at you as if you’re already out of the picture. Well, I don’t accept that - again, you have to have a very positive outlook and strong faith. No matter what happens, I’m not going to allow others to decide my outcome. This is strictly between me and God.
The other people receiving treatment along with me were mostly men – one with his partner and the others with their wives or alone. Again, I’m there so long during the day that I see many people come and go all day long.
There was one couple where the patient is the husband and in his early 70’s with prostate cancer, which eventually spread to his lungs and was complicated with emphysema. He was so sick from pneumonia that he caught from an airplane trip he took that it delayed his treatments by almost a month.
Another was a gent by himself – he was there for a blood transfusion, another was there with his wife and she left to run some errands. He has what I have and started at stage 2. This is his 3rd time back in 2 years. He has been in remission twice and now is in stage 3. He had such a terrible reaction to the Rituxan that I really thought he was going to have to be hospitalized. It took a staff of 7 to help him get it under control. After what seemed to be forever and ever, all the meds took hold and he responded positively. It was terrible to hear – they had drawn the “curtain” around his area and all you could see were his feet shaking from the uncontrollable chills he was experiencing (one of the reactions) and the feet of all the nursing staff racing around that tiny area trying to help him. It was “white-knuckle” difficult for me and even more to see the reactions of the other patients there - all so visibly shaken up and ashen white. Other nurses came over to make sure we were all ok and to reassure us. I’m glad they didn’t take my blood pressure then! One of the wives and I locked eyes and I smiled at her to reassure her. She came over and I held her hands and I asked her about her knitting which calmed her – we never blinked or took our eyes off each other. Her husband is the elderly gent and he was asleep or pretending to be asleep. Then I prayed and she with me - all I could do was pray – I felt so sick for this poor man. He moaned with pain, threw up – shook, broke out in hives, cried out again - he cried out for his wife who had not returned yet. It was not good – but it ended well, thank God. When his wife did return it wrenched her heart to know that he endured this by himself without her there…….. we talked for a bit and I reassured her that he did himself proud considering what he had gone through and then we prayed….. her eyes were so full of pain and then we hugged and laughed at the mercy and goodness of God! We both needed that – we all did.
One thing about us warriors – ask us how we’re doing and we’ll probably say “good”, ”great” “awesome”. We’re not wimps! We are not cowards. However, we’ve earned the right to say “not too good” once in a while and be allowed to say it!
I tell you all this because you have vested your hearts in my journey and I feel you need to know about the sorrow, pain and grief that both patients and their families experience. Again, it’s not something to deal with alone, but so many people do. They may have no one and even if they do, they may not be as involved as they should be or can be………
I use all these opportunities even if I’m affected by it to share the Lord. When you have knowledge of something that will make you feel good, loved, wanted, and cherished, you’ve got to share it.
I’ve made many new friends – and we all become very close and search each other out. We all share a common bond……..
As I left that afternoon, actually earlier than normal because my infusion went very well, I was escorted by Elaine (my pastora) on one side and Cronny, my other friend on the other. It was like a parade as people waved and applauded, both nursing staff and patients alike because it was my last treatment. I was elated!
It’s a great cause for celebration! I felt so good to be able to leave and hopefully, not return. No offense to anyone there – again the double-edge sword – and no offense was taken! I’ve been there long enough that I was so glad to see people go through the same thing – last treatment – and feel glad for the person, and a bit sadden that it wasn’t me. Kisses, hugs, blessings, love, exchanges of information….. promises to keep in touch.
Now I wait…… glad this part is over…… still thanking God for this journey…… knowing that it’s not all over – but confident that He is in control, in the mix and still holding me in His loving arms!
I’m looking forward to getting back to work! Hopefully that will be in a few weeks still because the doctor wants me to rest and allow the toxins and other chemicals out of my body before my tests in March.
Anyway, please take care and as always, please continue praying not just for me but also for those I’ve written about – it’s very important to continue your faith walk with me. God has so much love for you all and the blessings that He has stored up for you are so many that they will be brimming and spilling over you and yours. Please believe me when I say this because it is so very true.
Love and blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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My friend Neil sent this out and I want to share it with you all.
Love and blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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Who Told You That You Couldn’t?
Today’s Scripture Reading: Genesis 3:11; Psalm 37
Key Verse: Genesis: 3:11a
“Who told you that you were naked?”
Too many of us make the mistake of living up to fleshly job descriptions created by other people: “You are stupid.” “You cannot do that.” “You are nobody.”
Do not let somebody else tell you who you are! Adam sought knowledge outside of God’s blessing, and God called him on it! When he told the Creator that he was naked, God immediately asked, “Who told you that you were naked?”
Now I ask you: who told you that you were a fool and that you were no good? Who told you that you were ugly or that you could not do this or that? Who told you that you are not “qualified” because you did not graduate from Morehouse or Princeton University? Who told you that you couldn’t?
Tune out the ever-changing whims and opinions of man and listen to God’s eternal decrees about who you are and why He made you. Go back to the original Manufacturer and ask Him why you were made.
He will tell you this: you have a holy calling. You are a child of God and an heir of all the promises. You are a chosen vessel, and a priest in His kingdom. You are holy.
Peel away the false name tags, pick yourself up off the ground, and dust yourself off. You are holy and you have a holy calling, so do not pay attention to the unholy comments of other people. They do not realize it, but when they talk about you they are meddling with the child of God (let Him deal with them). Your only job is to hear and obey the things you hear your Father in heaven say.
Today’s Prayer:
Dear Father, help me to start over today. I want to return to the things You say about me, and I cast away all the negative, limiting opinions and predictions of others. If the things I hear are not in Your Word, grant me the wisdom and grace to set them aside as mere noise and focus on Your decrees. Your Word is a lamp unto my feet. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Neil
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When I went for my chemo on December 17th, the doctor told me that it was my last chemo in my treatment, and that the last 2 treatments (January 7 and 14) would be the Retuxan alone. I was surprised and a bit shocked by this news.
Then they will allow my body to rest for 2 months to give the toxins and chemicals time to leave my body before they conducted tests. These 2 tests are the bone marrow biopsy and a catscan and they are taking place in March. These tests will let us know how my body has responded to the treatments and what is going on, etc. My doctor did mention again that my organs are not normal – there is a lot of scarring and they will be monitoring me every 3 months with tests to make sure that the that the scarring is either the same or has reduced, etc.
I was so surprised by this - I was not prepared to hear this news -and so my emotions were mixed - I felt both glad and cautious – the double-edged sword, if you will. Continue praying please!
In any case, I went in on January 7th for my Retuxan treatment and was in an open treatment area that accommodates 4 stations. Since the Retuxan takes me anywhere from 8-10 hours (it’s a very long arduous day), I see people come in and out of my area all day long.
Some come in for chemo, and others for blood transfusion, etc. The last few people that were there were women with breast cancer. It was very emotional to hear their stories. One woman had been in remission for 14 years and the cancer had returned – this time it was in her remaining breast and had spread to her lungs and kidneys (stage 4). Her husband was at her side – they continuously held hands, looked lovingly at each other, and they would laugh, as he would whisper in her ear and she would blush unashamedly at whatever sweet-nothing he had told her. She has been back on chemo since late last year and was sporting the same hairdo I am!
One other woman had been in remission for 3 years and was now also stage 4 - her sister was with her as she had been the last time. She was wearing a beautiful reddish wig that just brought out the green in her eyes so beautifully. The last precious woman there was going through the ordeal for the first time and was accompanied by her daughter. I can tell that she was a bit terrified at the stories of the other 2 ladies since she too had breast cancer. She still had all her beautiful long thick hair and was sure that she was not going to loose it – however, she had noticed that as she brushed her hair that morning, some came out very easily. No one said anything to confirm or deny – we just “hmmmmm”.
My heart was broken – I know because I felt the ache in my heart as I heard their stories. These warriors – these remarkable women! I could see the wisdom of the battle scars etched in their eyes as I looked deeply and searched. They knew I was searching – and I can tell that they saw it in my eyes too. They asked pertinent questions regarding faith which immediately opened the door for me to share about the love and mercy of God. I told them my story…… and was able to share God with them.
They all listened – nodded their heads – shared their experiences about God in their lives – how hard it was to understand – would they be healed – what now – etc. It was definitely a God appointment!
I was very humbled by this encounter – and thanked God for the opportunity to share Him. He uses us everywhere we go – in all situations, we just have to be willing vessels. Most of them were gone by the time I left which was 6pm. Before they left, there were hugs and lots of words of encouragement, and wonderful beautiful smiles……. but the eyes tell all. One of them hung on to me hard and long……. I’m not sure if I’ll see them again, but I do know that God is in their mist and they will be communing with Him more frequently and directly. Praise God – thank you.
My ache was so heavy – I laid it at the feet of my Lord with tears and prayers for these ladies along with all the other people there.
Please pray – if you know someone that has cancer or any other disease for that matter, please – take it from me – be there for them in any form you can be. Calls, cards, visits……. all the same things you all have done so marvellously, beautifully, lovingly and unselfishly for me. I am so very blessed by all of you – I thank God for you every day and am so humbled by your care, concern and love. You have all been God sent – please believe that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love and blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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I’m praying that your Christmas, New Year’s and Three Kings celebrations were wonderful! I spent mine so very blessed surrounded at different times with family and friends.
Surei arrived on the 29th of December and we had a really great visit! And the most special time spent was with the grand-kids (grands) who were also able to come – their dad brought them down from NJ so they could spend an overnight with us. It was so fabulous to see them! The last time I spent any time with them was last May when I went to Texas for Marisa’s graduation and they were big then. However, my grandson Randy is taller than me…..! He’s 12 and is going through a growth spurt where the arms are very long and his feet are getting bigger and thank God he is still as sweet as ever — lots of kisses and hugs – I loved it. And Ms. Jacinda (sweet 16) is so beautiful and graceful – and so funny! She sang for us and it was so very awesome! How very special it is to have the opportunity to share time with these precious children – we watched videos of them when they were babies and toddlers and we all laughed, and ooh and ahhhhhh all through it. They (the kids) just enjoyed themselves tremendously. Their grandfather (Luis) was able to “Play” with them and their electronic plane and helicopter outside – but oh my goodness it was so cold and the wind was blowing! But these kids (all 3 of them) were so brave and love the cold anyway. Jacinda and Randy were hoping for snow and cold temps and they got it! I watched all the fun from a “warm” distance.
And then it was time for the kids to leave and return to NJ with their dad. They still had a couple more days of vacation before they returned to Austin, TX.
It was so sad – I really enjoyed them and miss them so much. Those of you who are blessed to have your kids and grand-babies close by – please enjoy them as much as you can. They are our blessings and next generation and you should be in their lives as much as possible. I talk to them via the phone often and we joke and laugh and so on, but there is nothing like hands-on. Kiss those babies and hug them tight and tickle them, and play games with them, take walks, talk and listen and just interact. Be a wonderful role model – instill confidence in them – morals and values. Help their parents with these roles – it’s hard on parents with all they have to do these days.
If any of you have any kind of suggestions as to what types of things grandparents can do with grandchildren, email it below in the comment area and we can all share the wisdom! Don’t be shy. Also, if you are parents and would like to share your suggestions as to what you would like grandparents to participate in or things that are being done in your family, please send it also and share it!
If you have prayer requests for your children, grandchildren, parents, siblings, family, etc., please don’t be shy about that either. We should be there for each other. Prayer is the most powerful and important tool that we have and God delights in His children praying to Him!
Surei left on the same day (in the evening) that the grands left. It was a sad departure. We miss each other so much. The same thing happened with Marisa and Stephen when they left. Departures are hard. However, they do make the next arrival so much sweeter! I talk with my daughters everyday and sometimes several times a day. It’s always great to hear from them – even if its just a couple of minutes! We always keep in touch – it’s important.
Well, that’s all for now. Please take care.
Love and Blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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Merry Christmas! My heart’s desire for you all is to keep ever present the reason for this season – the celebration of the birth of the Son of God – Jesus – the greatest gift God gave us!
Thank you all for all your continued love, support, encouragement, prayers and generosity (which I know for some has been sacrificially made) - without you I would not be where I am today down this road towards what I know is to be my healing and restoration!
May the sovereign Creator, Jehovah God, bless you and yours with His everlasting Love, Peace, and Joy brimming and overflowing into your hearts and home and may His blessings follow you forever.
May 2008 bring you prosperity in your family, marriages, children, relationships, finances, home, jobs, and especially with the Lord!
I love you all – those that I know and those of you who are new in my life through this journey! I praise God for all of you every day -
Love and blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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Marisa and Stephen arrived from Dallas, Texas on Friday, December 14th! Luis picked them up from the airport and brought them over – it was great! The whole trip from start to finish. Of course we all experienced the snow that weekend and that was fun, especially since Stephen had not seen snow before – at least not like what we had. They played, had a snow fight, and had just plain fun. Oh and the cold was so frightful – but they truly adjusted!
On Monday the 17th, I had my 6th treatment. Luis dropped us off and both Marisa and Stephen accompanied me. Again my blood counts were good which is such a blessing – thank God I’ve been able to maintain that and have avoided getting sick and thus delaying my treatment. This is a very aggressive treatment and I’m grateful that it’s on schedule.
This time my veins were in better shape and the first try was successful, relatively painless, and I have no bruising from it! I’m still getting over the bruising from the 5th treatment.
My symptoms so far are different again from the last time – Reflux bothered me for 2-days and has subsided. My sinuses bothered but are better - minor headaches, and very little twitching and the best news is no nausea! However, no real appetite until today – I forced myself the other days. I finally got some energy in the AM and then plunge in the afternoon yesterday and today. And I’ve noticed a lack of strength in my hands. It’s hard to snap buttons or open jars, etc., which has not been the case before. I also get chilled more often than not.
But my spirit is in high gear! It’s Christmas and I’m feeling wonderful about that – the reason for the season is my King’s birth and my Father’s gift is His Son Jesus. How can I feel anything but full of emotion, love, joy, peace, and compassion.
Marisa and Stephen were supposed to leave late Monday afternoon, but their connecting flight out of Detroit to Dallas was not cooperating, so they rescheduled for the next day – yeaaaaaa! They stayed one more day and that was wonderful! It was so great having them here and all the hugging and laughing and stories! And then it was time to say those goodbyes again……. you all know how I feel about them. They arrived safe and sound and kept in touch all through the trip, letting us know how they were and where they were. They’re such great kids.
By the way, while here, Stephen found out that his grandmother who lives in East Texas was not doing well. Please keep her in prayer along with the family – she is the matriarch of the family, and is much loved, respected and cared for by everyone.
Surei is due to arrive on the 29th of this month! It’s going to be wonderful to see her again! Right now she and the nietos (grand kids) are in Dallas visiting with Marisa and Stephen. The kids take off tomorrow from Dallas to NJ to spend Christmas with their dad Randy who is back from Saudi safe and sound. Thank you all for your prayers regarding his safety – remember to continue praying for the other brave men and women still out in the world doing the same thing this season – and ask God to keep them safe along with their families back home. Make them your family in prayer – your prayers on their behalf may be the only ones coming their way and can make a difference in their lives!
Love and Blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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On Wednesday, December 12th I had the most wonderful Christmas lunch with all my NCADD work associate family! We met at Mario’s and had a great time! These people are truly a wonderful, caring, loving, and generous group. We talked, and laughed and caught up to everything and ate and ate and took pictures, had decadent desserts, and exchanged gifts! It was so good to see them and spend time with them. It’s funny how we just fell right into place - and oh! I wore my wig and what a hoot! I think they were fooled for a minute and then we all laughed! It was a wonderful time and I cherish it that I was able to be there!
I thank God for these folks. They have been such a blessing to me and so supportive in so many ways, both as a group and individually. Thank you Jennifer, Elaine, Aracelis, Barbara, Bridget, and David. Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you all!
Love and Blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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On Saturday, December 8th, our beloved Golden Retriever, Zachary, died at the youthful age of 12 (84 dog age). Those of you who are animal lovers, can fully appreciate the sadness one feels when your dog or cat or any other pet passes on.
Zach was the best dog anyone can have. He was a total gentleman, loving, faithful, silly, serious, dependable and so smart. I remember some years ago when some of the neighborhood kids would come by and ask if Zach could come out and play! It was so funny….. but that’s how good he was with the kids and how much they liked him!
When you have a pet, they totally depend on you for everything and if we do right by them, they are really more like family members than not. He always kept tabs on every one of us and would wait up until everyone was home before he would retire for the night. Then and only then would he lumber up to his bed, only though after he checked up on us and made sure we were in our rooms. What a friend. I certainly always felt so safe with him especially when I was home alone.
In the last almost 3 years since I’ve been on my own, Luis and Zach were best of friends and Luis has taken it hard. It’s sad however, the last time I saw Zach was back in October when both my sister Yvette and Surei came to visit - and I took pictures of him – he was so sweet, his face was totally white, he looked like a wise old man and at that time he had no symptoms of being sick, but as the doctors say, at age 7 these dogs are considered geriatric and will last until about 12 maybe 13 years. How sad.
It was a bit emotional at the vets, because it was so unexpected. The girls spoke with us on the phone and Marisa who initially had adopted Zach was also able to say her last good byes to him before they put him down. He was so sick and they kept him on oxygen just long enough to give me time to get there, say goodbye and thank him for being such a good faithful, loving friend. Luis tells me that Amos the cat seems mournful – they were, after all, good buddies.
I found myself thanking God for Zach – and how even through our pets, He is teaching us about life – about unconditional love, patience, obedience - Sound familiar? So many opportunities to learn about God’s love for us and our relationship with Him.
Give your pet (your friend) an extra hug or scratch behind the ear before retiring today and let them know how much they are appreciated and or loved.
Blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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I had the 5th Rituxin treatment on Monday the 26th. Elaine slept over Sunday night since I had to be there so early and traffic sometimes from her end to my can cause delays. So she came over around 8:30 pm and we were able to catch up and eventually retire. She dropped me off at Strong and I was there from 7:30 am and left at 6:30 pm. It was such a very long day. My veins were not cooperating – thus after several very painful attempts my treatment began. I again did have a reaction, however, it was caught quickly enough and after a delay of almost an hour, we were back on target.
So when I went back the next day for my chemo treatment at 1pm, I was a bit tremulous and hesitant and actually could not hold back some tears. I again had trouble with my veins and after a couple of more attempts (my veins are thin I was told), a second nurse who specializes in such things as these, was successful – the needle for chemo is thicker than the one for the Rituxsin – it was still very painful, but it was in – the pain subsided and the treatment began and I was out of there within 2 hours - Thank God!
The next several days were lost to me in low energy, headaches, some nausea, cramping, reflux, and gastrointestinal issues, etc. By Wednesday of the following week I was feeling better only to start again with some of the gastro issues and came down with I think a cold (sniffles).
My blood counts are high and the black and blue marks on my arms are all gone except for one, and I’m feeling much better. I still have to treat my arms with a towel soaked in warm water and apply it to my arms several times a day for the pain. My next chemo is on Monday the 17th. Marisa and Stephen will be here this Friday, the 14th and will leave after my next chemo on the 17th. We can’t wait to see them!
What keeps me going is that I know wholeheartedly that my Lord has not given me more than I can handle. So even in this I know that my God holds me close and then I remember how much He suffered for us – how terribly horrific it was – and so I gain strength from Him – my Lord, my God, my Saviour – and feel comforted. I’m not alone – I have Him and He has me. Praise God -
Blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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Sofie and Cortney arrived from Florida on Tuesday, November 20th – they took their time and were able to visit with family along the way spreading their cheer and love wherever they went.
It was so good to see them and spend time with them. It has been years and Cortney is so grown and beautiful! Oh my goodness - she’ll be 17 next week! The last time I saw her she was about 8 years old. There’s nothing like seeing children all grown when the last image you have had of them was when they were still young! It makes you feel old – and puts things in perspective. They made my heart glad and yes, we were silly, had music, had all the traditional foods and desserts, watched videos, and Luis and I surprised Cortney with a video of her 3rd birthday party which was celebrated just a couple of days before Christmas. During those days, both Sofie and Cortney would stay with us during the holidays!
It was so great to watch Cortney watch herself at that age! Sofie cried a little – it’s one thing to look at a picture of your child at 3 or any age, however, when you see the animation and wonder of this child and the sweetness – as we all sang happy birthday to her, the wonder in her eyes, the knowledge that it was for her, the smile when she blew out the candles and everyone cheered, and the excitement when she opened presents! It was awesome!
We also talked to Surei and Marisa, Stephen and the nietos several times - Surei hosted Thanksgiving at her home and Marisa and Stephen came down from Dallas for a few days! They spent an exceptional time together with lots of loving, food, laughter, tree trimming, etc! Sofie and the girls were able to catch up and it was great!
I was able to talk with my family in Puerto Rico and sister in California and even my brother whom I haven’t seen or been able to talk with since May. All occasion for giving thanks!
Thank you also to all of you who called me before, during and after – I so appreciate it.
It was a wonderful visit and Thanksgiving Day. Eventually though, Sofie and Cortney’s visit came to an end and the goodbyes started. After packing up some leftovers for their trip, some emotional hugging and love, they were gone! hmmmm…… I don’t like the goodbyes….. (I love the hello’s). It leaves you empty for a while – a bit let down if you will. But we communicated all through their drive back to Florida. They also made a couple of stops at family along the way to break up the drive. Sofie was the only driver (she did great!), so stopping and visiting with other loved ones helped break up the drive and allow her to rest and catch up to family - they were able to fill up on all that loving until they return sometime next year! And of course we always keep in touch with phones calls.
I pray that your Thanksgiving was wonderful and God driven.
Blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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I love the holidays! It makes my heart sing and soar and laugh and actually giggle like a little girl! My heart beats fast with excitement and all the promises that comes with this time of the year.
When the kids were little, my main concern was making sure that it was magical for them! That they would remember why we were celebrating that particular day – to give thanks; to celebrate the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ; to rejoice in Easter regarding the Resurrection; etc. It wasn’t the turkey, Santa Claus or the Easter bunny, etc.
I wanted them to have wonderful memories that would anchor them to those days and they would remember the aromas, songs, foods, sights, colors – the preparation was the heart of it all! I would start humming Christmas songs sometimes in early fall – it would drive people crazy – my mind was already preparing, planning, and I would laugh with excitement!
At this time of the year, fall decorations were prime – leave collection and ironing them between wax paper to preserve them as long as possible so we could remember the beautiful fall colors during the winter months. We’d also send them out to the family out in the warm climates like the grandparents in Puerto Rico. Candles, and fall wreaths, were all around the house!
Way before this weekend, I would have my menu and people would have been invited weeks before! I always cooked for many more than were invited because if you cook, they would come – the neighbors, friends, family, etc., even if they had dinner elsewhere, they would come for a bit more or for dessert or just to be there. Magic – it was great! Everyone would leave with some food or dessert – you don’t leave empty handed. And the leftovers – you have to have leftovers!
The girls were always so excited and cooking was always going on! They would help with the baking (all from scratch) of pies, homemade applesauce (yummmm!), cookies, fresh bread – the flour would be flying all over! The house smelled so delicious you could take a bite out of the air and chew it!
The serious cooking of our traditional foods would start very early on Thanksgiving morning! Everybody would be up early – preparing the house, music playing, table being set, the chopping of plenty of wood for the fireplace and the readying it with logs to be lit later that day before the company arrived – along with the candles, etc.
Memories – wonderfully, warm delicious memories that have anchored me to those days, along with my family for many, many, years! And as the girls have become adults and have their own families – they have built on those wonderful days by adding their own touches and creating their own magical anchors for their families. How exciting is that?
There were a few thanksgivings that were different for us – we volunteered to work in the kitchen and/or be servers at Bethel Christian Fellowship who provided dinner for hundreds of community families and individuals in dire need. When we were done, we’d head home or to the home of friends or family we had been invited to have our Thanksgiving dinner - feeling a lot more humble and reverent of what the day was about and with whom we had shared it – and we were so very thankful (there go I, but by the grace of God) – for all that God had bestowed upon us. So many things to be grateful for and not take for granted!
Whatever the situation was – when we gathered together to have our meal, we always remembered why we were gathered - to give thanks to God for all the blessings that He had given us. So many times we don’t think we’ve been blessed – rather cursed because of the trials, sickness, death, loss of jobs, homes, families, etc. that have befallen us. We may feel lonely, betrayed, lifeless, depressed and just miserable. However, in all these things, some of which may have been the results/consequences of choices made along life’s path and others which are completely out of our control, we forget to thank God for all the blessings He has cast our way regardless of the journey. The fact that we wake up every day – have another day of promises, opportunities, blessings, to make things right, to improve oneself or someone else, to be involved in life!
Every day I give thanks to God - for waking up – praise God! For my job, my home, that I live in this country, that I am warm, that He has kept me safe during the night; even as trivial as for the sparrows and finches (the Lord knows I enjoy them) that are noisily and beautifully harmonizing outside my window every day and very early – chatting up a storm, looking for food, feeding their young or just talking! For my family, my wonderful blessings which are my incredible daughters and their families, my dearest grandchildren, my dear parents, my wonderful sister and her family, my brother, my nieces and their families, my wonderfully outrageous friends, my pastors, the church family, their love; for the past that has made me so strong in the present and the promise of the future. For this latest journey I’m walking through. For the Lord God who doesn’t let me go and has kept His Hand on me. Because He provides all my needs! For His love and forgiveness; for my continued faith-growth in Him. For all of you…..! There are so many many things to be grateful and give thanks to the Lord for - just think about it and you will find things also – even if you just start with one thing.
I know that sometimes it may be hard to even be able to think of one thing to be grateful for because of the life situation you may be in – but if we start with just one thing today and build on that the next day……. and the next….. before you you it, you are communing with the Lord God every day and being thankful. Before you know it you are in the throes of worship! And the joy of the Lord will be filling up your heart! You won’t be able to help yourself – there is joy in thanksgiving! And when that joy fills you, your life journey changes! Your attitude changes! You change!
So this Thanksgiving as you are around the table or whatever your situation is, why not start the conversation if no one else does and start mentioning what you are thankful for, remember to be joyful and happy in your thanks giving (in giving thanks) to the Lord God who loves us so much that He sent His only Son to cancel out the debt and reconciled us back with Him, so we could accept Him and be part of His family! I thank God above all things for this – that I am part of His family, a daughter of the King, and co-heir with Jesus! Praise the Lord and Thank You Father for your greatest gift of all – Your Love………
Joyful thanks giving to you and yours,
Mildred
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November 15, 2007
Hello Everyone -
In my last update I wrote regarding the sudden death of a very loved and respected woman of God – Isabel (Santa) Hernandez, wife of Pastor Luis Hernandez of Light of the World Church located on Child Street.
It has been an emotional week to say the least. The services for her were held on Tuesday night, November 12th, right at her church as opposed to a funeral home simply because there is no funeral home large enough to be able to hold the hundreds of people that were expected to attend the services, and because the church is home – where else would it be held – but the House of God itself.
Hundreds of people did show – and parking became challenging and only available blocks away from the church very early on. However there was such order, obedience, and reverence that everything went off without a glitch. Many churches volunteered help in the areas of security, parking, ushering, cooking and serving of food, even the collaboration of different choirs singing together! There were so many people involved that made the entire process successful and as pain-free as possible. It made the heart feel warm to see this happen – praise God!
Hundreds of people started arriving very early and sitting very quickly was not an option for hundreds more waiting to get into the main sanctuary - and who ended up in the overflow instead.
There were pastors and their families, from different churches and faiths, both locally and from many other states far and near, who came to pay their respects.
The celebration of the departure of a loved one is bittersweet for us – there is a mixture of singing, joyful sounds, laughter, clapping, tears, memories, pain, etc. Mourning and celebration at the same time. Laughing and crying – remembering, telling and sharing. Stories about her were shared by family members that made everyone laugh and made some cry, others would shake their heads in acknowledgment of the stories and/or her character. In any case, it gave one an opportunity to get to know her better as a wife, mother, pastor and woman of God. It was really wonderful to know through the stories that she and her husband Pastor Hernandez still carried on as newlyweds even after 33 years of marriage!
The number of children, babies, teens, young adults, was staggering to say the least, and if the babies cried or made a fuss, no one noticed or seem to mind – the focus was on the beautiful homage paid this woman by young and old alike who touched so many lives both in church, the school where she worked for over 30 years, her associates, family, friends, etc. The service lasted 2 hours, but could have gone on much longer and no one would have minded.
The music and chorus composed of at least 4-5 different churches was inspiring to say the least and it lifted your spirit and carried you up as you could feel the presence of the Lord and hear the angelic hosts singing along; the flowers were outrageously colorful and splendidly gorgeous the way she enjoyed them. She loved color! No details about her likes were spared! She laid surrounded by all the things that made her happy and she enjoyed!
Yesterday, Wednesday, November 14th, we shared more time at church, getting ready to say our final farewell to Isabel as we viewed her for the last time in this life - and that was emotional. She is missed so much by so many and will continue to be so, however, we are consoled by the fact that we know she is with the Lord bathing in His glory and for that we are comforted, and by the legacy she left behind that will live on for a very long time.
Please continue to pray especially for her husband Pastor Luis Hernandez, her son, her mother and brothers and rest of the family. Though they know she has gone home and is with the Lord, they still miss their beloved – there is an empty space in their hearts and absence in their lives that can only be filled again through faith, time and prayer and the knowledge that one day they will all be reunited with her in heaven.
Love and blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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Today is Friday, November 9, 2007 – I had my 4th Chemo on Tuesday, November 6th, after much delay. My doctor had a couple of patients who had emergencies and I was able to spend my time with the social worker of the cancer center until my doctor returned. She’s wonderful and always so helpful and knowledgeable. This young woman was a classmate of Surei’s in high school at Penfield High. What a small world don’t you think? Again, God in control!
My friend Irene, who just recently in the last year moved with her family to Miami and are the owners of the Hardball Baseball Training Center, www.hardballbaseball.com, arrived in Rochester last Saturday, visiting with me for this 4th therapy. She sat with me through this 4th therapy and nurturing thereafter.
It was such a wonderful visit! We went down memory lane with a lot of oldies but goodies music! Had some very delicious food, great naps, laughs, big hugs, catching up was so important, pictures of the family, wedding, kids, grand-kids, new business, etc; lots of ohhhh’s and ahhhhh’s - and then she left. Again, the departures are sad. Sandra, who I’ve written about before and has also graced me with all her love, brought over wonderful soups and desserts – yummmm! -and stayed over and took Irene to the airport on Thursday morning. We all had a lovely time and visit. Thank you ladies for your love, concern, prayers, encouragement, and just being who you are – loving and generous with your love and time.
I’ve had the same reactions this time as last time with the chemo – the heart burn was bad, the cramping, body twitching, low grade fever, and some constipation again, etc. The next day I was able to pick up some meds to help with these symptoms – it’s all due to the chemo and the prednisone. Yesterday, but today more, I’ve had more relief and been able to sleep better. Of course the headaches are strong and Tylenol isn’t helping much. Fatigued again is high – energy level is low.
At 7:00 am this morning I received a call from Elaine (you all know her by now, she is my pastor’s wife). I sometimes call her my pastora. Elaine called with very sad news about another pastor’s wife of a large Spanish church here in Rochester, who was in the hospital after suffering from a brain Aneurysm. It happened as she and her husband were getting ready for bed last night. At this moment, the doctors are saying she is brain dead and they have no hope for her recovery. Many people from her church including many other churches especially mine and my pastors who come from that mother church, are in attendance at the hospital praying, waiting, hoping, that God will move in a miraculous way, but are also ready to accept the fact (as difficult as that is) that she may not come back to us. In case you wonder what an aneurysm is I’ve placed a link for your convenience:
http://www.webmd.com/brain/tc/brain-aneurysm-topic-overview
This has taken us all by surprise and has sadden us very much. It started me thinking about our very fragil mortality and made me again, face my own. Death for us who are believers in the bible and the Word of God and the promises we know to be true, is not a scary thing. The death of this old body, this shell is what dies, but the spirit within is alive for eternity! We are consoled and joyful because we know where our loved ones are, but we do mourn their loss - their presence, their person, and their love very deeply and terribly. And yes, it is hard for us. But not for our dearly beloved if in fact they knew the blessings and love of the Lord and had accepted Him. That eternity is joyous and what we look forward to.
We may have personally faced or know of someone who has faced the death of a person in their lives and have regrets about things left unsaid and undone with this person. Sometimes things that meant so much, some anger, some pain, some difference of opinion that was so important, no longer holds the same meaning now that they are gone and we may even wonder why it was that important or was it worth the anguish? These things sometimes keep people – family members, friends, acquaintances distant from each other for years and sometimes for a lifetime. Pride, anger, jealousy, unfairness, hurt, pain, etc., and all for what?
I started to reflect on my own walk - there are no guarantees, but I do hold on to the fact that man does not hold my destiny – but God does. He has my days counted. And with that in mind there are still no guarantees as to the day and time of my reunion with Him – my homecoming if you will. My doctor mentioned a while ago that I will never be normal again. That I will have a new normal and along with that comes a shorten lifespan. My organs are different, my body altered, and I am no longer the same. So be it! But my God is my promise, my Lord, my purpose, my Way, my Light and He is always the same – never changes! I’m not alone or without! And while I’m still here, I will walk His walk and continue on the path that He has laid out for me until it’s my time to go home.
As I’ve been praying and mourning for this woman of God this morning and all through the day and for her family (her husband, son, mother, and siblings), I hope that there were no regrets – no unfinished business – that at the very least she and her husband had told each other how much they loved each other as they got ready for bed.
As for me, I’ll be doing some more in-depth soul-searching – I don’t want to have regrets, things left undone or unsaid to those who have touched my life now or in the future. I know that not only has my body changed, but also my heart, my soul, my spirit. And as each journey takes me further down the path and as I’ve continue to walk through life and gotten to know God and His Heart and Character, I’ve grown in Him and Lord willing, and will continue to do so until He comes for me!
Please keep all of this in prayer – for the pastora, her family and all of us. Also for you too. Take time out to reflect on the things in your life that need tending to. Make sure that there are no regrets, arrogance, unkindness, possibly hate, pain, unforgiveness towards yourselve or someone else. Ask God to make it clear to you – to bring it to your mind what and who. And then make things right. Talk it out with God….. call out to Him. He’s waiting for you to do so. Start with Him and let Him lead you in the way to allow yourself to be unburdened…. He said He’ll carry our burden which is heavy and He’ll give us His burden which is light!
Before you go any longer in the day – hug your loved ones, tell them you’re sorry, apologize; ask them to forgive you; forgive them; whatever it is that has soured your day – whatever it is that is unresolved. We are not guaranteed tomorrow – just today and we better make it right for them and us!
Love and Blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
PS: at the end of this writing I received word that Pastora Santa Hernandez passed away. Please continue praying for the family, for peace and restoration. We don’t always know the reasons why things happen, even people of faith struggle with this sometimes. But faith is all we have that God is still God and on the Throne and in control and He will work all things out in the end for good. It’s all about faith and the walk in that faith, for without it we live a meaningless life without real purpose or direction. You must have faith and believe -there’s a better life with it!
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Well folks I’m here again – I know, I know, what most of you are saying – AGAIN! Yes, again. The news today is that I’ve been interviewed by the Catholic Messenger (El Mesanjero Catolico) regarding cancer and my walk with it, etc. This interview will be out this month around the 17th. As I’m told the paper is found in most Catholic churches – the Spanish version in the Spanish churches. So please feel free to get one if you can. As I speak the photographer is snapping my picture for the article. Yikes! It was brought to my attention that Bald is Beautiful! Yes, well, also cold this time of the year in this part of the country! :)
Love,
Mildred
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Hi all!
Although I felt better on Friday, the weekend turned out to be a bust. I was out for the count, was very tired and felt drained. I ate because I had to and kept hydrated because it’s imperative to do so. But I have to tell you that at times I want this done already. I want this part of the journey done and on to the next chapter – this is old already. The chemo and the rutuxsen are not pleasant experiences at all, and I don’t look forward to them either. Please believe me that I know this treatment is saving my life. However it is so intrusive and foreign. At times I can’t stand the idea of what’s going on in my body. Sometimes I feel as if I’ve been violated – and just want to wash and scrub it all away - from the inside out.
Being upbeat and staying positive is something that I know how to do well and understand how important it is, has been and will continue to be especially now. Along with that is my faith. My faith in my awesome God who created me and formed me in my mother’s womb. He who holds my destiny in His Hands and has my days counted. He who holds me and comforts me day and night; who makes me laugh, sing, makes me feel joyful and full of His promises for me and my life.
If it wasn’t for Him, I would have no hope, no laughter, no joy, no comfort and I would be very afraid – scared about my future, trying to work this out myself. If not for my Lord I would be very much alone and lonely. But as King David wrote in Psalm 23: “The Lord is my Shepard; I shall not want. He restoreth my soul; He leads me in the paths of righeousness for His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For you are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” He fills me with His song, meets all my needs. He’s got the rod – the big stick – and He’s going to keep me safe.
And though I want this finished now – God is willing to invest more time in me and have this journey of mine go on till the timing is right because of the purpose He has planned for my life. This is one of many phases in this journey. I have from very many personal experiences found this to be true – All journeys have phases to them. Each phase has a destination or as some refer to as a graduation level, with a new one waiting around the corner. Each journey is a big exciting and wonderous adventure leading to a fuller and closer relationship with God – with a better understanidng of your purpose. However, just when you think you’ve arrived, you’re on your way to another destination. Some journeys are longer than others – depending on the work that must be worked on/in/out. And many times it involves and includes many other people besides yourself. He asks us to trust Him during this time when it’s so difficult to do so. And though in the earthly realm I can’t see anything happening, in the spiritual realm there are tremendous numbers of things going on towards this very thing. I’m in preparation for breakthrough – a Suddenly!
I guess what I’m saying is that it doesn’t change how very sick I am and feel, how serious this is, and how my body reminds me frequently, and how I can’t do the things that I was able to participate in before. What matters and what makes the difference is that God is in the mix working behind the scenes all the time ..He makes the difference in me.
And so, I will continue to wait, more patiently, with joy in my heart, with praise and worship on my lips, and anticipation because my God is in control and loves me and cares enough about me that He is personally handling my situation. Wow! I’m free then to laugh, sing, be joyful, rest and take care of the things that the Lord has given me control over (reading and acquainting myself more of His heart and character and being able to share that with others), because at any moment I expect a suddenly (What I was waiting for – the miracle – the release, the healing, the arrival, the destination! What God was working on all this time behind the scenes – what this was all about!)
So please all of you, I need your continued support and help in all the ways that you are able to because the road is hard, narrow, steep and sometimes painful – and though I have tremendous faith in my Lord, He has placed you all in my path and journey for a reason! I believe part of it is to help me stay the course until I receive my Suddenly!
Love and Blessings to you and yours,
Mildred
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My friend Neil just send this to me today and I want to share with y’all. Thank you Neil for sharing God’s heart with us. Blessings and love to y’all!
Today’s Scripture
“Love is kind” (I Corinthians 13:4)
One translation of this simple verse says that, “Love looks for a way to be constructive.” In other words, love looks for ways to improve someone else’s life. Love brings out the best in other people. Don’t just get up in the morning thinking about yourself or how you can make your own life better. Think about how you can make someone else’s life better. Ask yourself, “Who can I encourage today?” ”Who can I build up?” You have something to offer those around you that no one else can give. Someone in your life needs your encouragement. Someone in your life needs to know that you believe in them. I believe God will hold us responsible for the people He’s put in our lives. He’s counting on us to bring out the best in our family and friends. Are you improving the lives of those around you? Are you giving them confidence? Ask the Lord to give you creative ways to encourage those around you. As you sow seeds of encouragement and bring out the best in others, God will send people along your path that will build you up so that you can move forward into the blessing He has in store for you.
A Prayer for Today
Father God, thank You for loving me. Thank You for believing in me and always building me up. I ask that You show me creative ways to encourage and build up the people around me. Help me be an example of Your love today and always. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
Neil
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Hello folks – it’s been a while since I have updated you all. It’s been an interesting 4 weeks.
Since then I have had some wonderful visits like my sister Yvette! She arrived Tuesday night (October 2nd). I wore my wig to the airport and the laughing started! We spent a few wonderful days together! Though it was just 3 full days (she arrived late Tuesday night and left Saturday late morning), it was great! It’s funny, but since we talk often over the phone, we didn’t have the total emotional haven’t seen or spoken to you in 8 years how are things and the family, etc. It was a reunion that dealt with the present, laughing about some of the past, and planning for the future, so we had a lot more time to spend together if you know what I mean. It was quality.
We laughed, hugged, went to bed late, slept in, took naps, ate healthy and solved world problems with the infinite wisdom that only we as women possess - we planned glorious trips for the future and made definite healthy choices for ourselves, our future, further independence, direction for life, etc. Our children and grandchildren were always on the top of the list! Yvette graced and gifted me with her love and fierce loyalty, helped me hang some of her artwork along with other artists, helped me plan the layout of my family picture wall, she also brought me gifts from her long time friend Carol (I met Carol 8 years ago when we were in California celebrating our parents 50th anniversary) and also from Craig Parker who is one of her Yvette’s clients. It was so wonderful, unexpected and again humbling. It never ceases to amaze me how good people are and their generosity and love to those they know and more astonishing to those they don’t. I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart.
Yvette’s departure was a bit emotional – we needed more time – we always need more time – one more day – one more hour, etc. But it was a great visit that will happen again and again! I love you kiddo! Thank you for Everything – your visit was balm for the soul and battered body!
My niece Becky (Yvette’s eldest) and her family have graced me with their love and the girls have sent me some of their artwork! I spoke to the girls and they made me laugh with their questions and conversation. Alex (Alexandra) is 7 and Haleigh is 5 and the little guy Luke is 2+. Thank you lovies for your continued prayers and love.
Neil and Sucie and Gadiel – thank you for your love, constant encouragement and support that you provide to me. I love you guys very much! Gadiel you ROCK baby boy and you make my heart sing!
Nora, Henry, and Nae-Nae – love you guys! Thanks for all you do! Nae-Nae it was great seeing you again!
Aracelis’ pastelillo’s were wonderful-and we enjoyed them tremendously. Thank you girl!
Marisa and Stephen went to Hawaii for their 2nd anniversary and had a spectacular time – it was cool receiving daily calls from Paradise! Aloha y’all!
On Monday, October 8th, I had my CAT Scan – I’ve had several CAT scans lately but none like this one. I normally have to drink a liquid which is tolerable, however, this liquid at this location was barium and the most disgusting drink in my life. I had to drink 6 cups of this terrible thing during an hour. For instance I had to drink the first one in 1-minute and then 9 minutes later drink the 2- cup etc. At first it goes down OK, but after the 3rd cup you want to run out and just forget the whole thing. I tried every trick in the book from holding my nose, my breath, to chugging – Elaine would cheer me on! If you throw up then you have to start from the beginning – and you know what? They would have had to catch me! All of this to find out later that they also offer the tang flavor juice – but they prefer to deal only with one kind of liquid so they don’t offer you but the barium! Yikes! I was so upset – there has to be a better way – all you go through and then some. Everyone there was in the same boat, with one cancer or another, at different stages of the cancer at different ages also. Some folks like to talk and share – others prefer not to. I like to know what others are going through – it helps share hope and faith. Elaine made me laugh a lot, but I could see in her eyes the compassion and pain she felt for me and everyone there and I knew that she was praying. What a gift she’s been – thank you Lord.
During the process of the scan, while I laid there and the liquid they inject into the IV spreads through your body and it feels warm and you actually feel like you are going pee on yourself – very unpleasant feeling but not intolerable (make sure you’ve gone potty first or you may think you are going on yourself), I closed my eyes and actually sensed waves emanating from the tube towards me. It was shocking and I quickly opened my eyes to make sure that it wasn’t real, felt sick due to that barium, closed my eyes again and the waves were there once again. This time I just let it happen and before I knew it we were done.
On Friday, October 12th I had my Rutuxsen and again I had reactions – not a good time at all. Elaine and I were there from 8:30am and didn’t leave till 6pm. It was such a very long day and on top of it all, on one of my trips to the bathroom (I go often) my IV line got hooked on the door handle which is a long handle rather than a round one, and when I turned away from the door it was riped right out of the vein – it didn’t hurt then, but there was blood all over the place. I can appreciate why it is that people bleed out so fast from an open vein. Lord there was so much blood – of course it was cleaned up as was I, but not without the trauma that goes with it. The nurses were careful not to get any on them due to the toxins of the drug mixed in the blood, etc.
Elaine had wanted to go with me to the bathroom as with the other trips, but I had insisted that this trip I was well enough to make on my own – they had given me so much benadryl for the reactions that I was woozy – but this last trip I was already feeling better – or so I thought. Anyway, they had to restart the IV again…….not good…….more reactions and when I finally left at 6pm I had not been done but they let me go anyway. It was exhausting.
Surei arrived late Saturday night on October 13 – we really enjoyed her visit tremendously! It’s always so good to be able to hug and kiss your children and have those heart-to-heart talks. She and I shared laughter, tears, made memories, took lots of pictures, made plans future trips! She was here for the 3rd chemo and doctor’s visit and thankfully, this infusion did not cause the nausea and dizziness that the 2nd one caused. I did feel a bit weak though, and that night I felt strange and didn’t have an appetite, however, after Surei’s insistence to have something to eat, I actually felt better and more energetic - this was a new reaction to the chemo that I hadn’t had before, and then all that night all my body did was twitch. The rest of the week was better as the days went by. The Cat Scan on Monday revealed that there has been a 50% reduction of my lymph nodes which is evident if you have seen me before and see me now. That was not a surprise – but a great confirmation. As for the rest – we just don’t know. They’ll have to do a Pet-scan at the end to determine what the organs look like – as for my bone marrow, well, I still have to get a biopsy done and that won’t happen for a bit yet.
Surei’s departure was also a bit emotional. I love arrivals and hello’s – however the departures are rather bittersweet. I realized how much I miss my wonderful daughters and their companionship and love.
There is something wonderfully sweet and reverent when women get together and share themselves with each other in unabashed love and concern without hidden agendas. I am honored to say that all the women that are in my life have shown this honor, love, integrity, and unconditional love that overwhelms one. God has sent me an army to care for me, console me, encourage me, counsel me, walk with me, love me with no strings attached. These women have for the most part been with me for a while, some during other journeys I’ve had. However, I realized slowly how very different this journey was going to be when the Lord brought all these women together at once, this army of sisters, this family of women to minister to me during this very long, difficult and challenging walk. Thank you Lord for your love and for taking care of all the details - even who you send and when. This does not exclude the wonderful men married to these wonderful women or related in some way to them, or me. Thank you to all of you for your continued love, sacrifices, encouragement, and support. When you ask did you do this? When you became a part either directly or indirectly with this journey. God is so good!
I’ve maintain a good weight, am eating healthy and hygiene is at an optimum. I’m careful not be to around crowds of people if I can help it and if I do go out I choose my outings carefully, especially during this time of the year with all the colds, flu’s and upper respiratory infections, etc., that are going around. My immune system is delicate to say the least and if anyone has the slightest indication of a cold, cough, anything…..then please stay away for my sake. I will not be able to fight it off – what may be a simple cold could become lethal for me.
I have been very tired, achy and have had headaches this week. The energy which I’ve had in the past is not that evident this week no matter how much I’ve rested and napped or walked. I’ve also dealt with cramps - this is all new. However, today (which is Friday), I actually got up feeling much better.
I’ve notice how very dry my skin has gotten – my skin just seems to soak right up all the creams I put on.
And ok – I miss having hair!!!! It’s just not the same. Everyone says how perfectly round my head is and how beautiful……. but I miss my hair! I’m a girlie girl…..it struck me when I saw a picture of myself with hair the other day and I couldn’t believe it! It seems so long ago and it’s only been a few weeks. Wow……..a moment of silence please!
OK, pity party over! I often forget that I’m hairless and sometimes walk about with no hat or scarf until I notice that someone is either looking at me oddly or looking down very intently so as not to look at me.. know what I mean? Poor people…….so for them, I wear something on my head. Besides it’s getting cooler now so I have to. I need head covering to protect me from getting cold and besides I’m supposed to stay out of the sun. But I have to admit I’m having fun with my wig…..I do though also travel with a cap or scarf to switch off when I’ve had enough of the wig. Sometimes my scalp is sensitive to touch as are my arms – especially where I’ve had the insertion of the needles for my infusion. Those areas become painfully achy and then I apply heat to relieve the ache.
There are so many people that have been so kind and I thank you for the blessings in form of calls, the concern, the care, the gifts (monetary and otherwise) it’s all been well received, appreciated, and welcomed as I’ve mentioned before.
I keep learning every day about myself and the nature of people – it’s awesome. Most importantly I continue to learn more about God’s heart and His character and continue to strive to transform my heart and character to be like His. In other words I want there to be less of me and more of Him. That is a life long journey – of which this one I’m on is a part of – what a trip!
Take care and blessings to you all and again thank you!
Love,
Mildred
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